"Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness."--Richard Carlson

Unfortunately, with life comes it's own disappointments. Sometimes we seem to dwell on those more than life's accomplishments and joys. That is the difference between happiness and anguish. Some die within themselves through heartache, depression, and stress. Others accept the things life hands them and move on. Which will you do?

We live in a time of consistant uncertainty. People are losing their jobs, homes, possessions, and families. Just recently I spoke with a gentleman who was a highline real estate agent. He managed and sold multi-million dollar estates. Just recently, he was laid off from his job, lost his home, wife left him, and he had to move in with his parents, cross-country, at age 35. Surprisingly, he was positive in his demeanor. He constantly looked forward as he applied for more jobs and worked to get his personal life in order. Not one time did he reflect on the things lost in his conversation. Truly, that is the correct frame of mind if going through stressful events. Keep your head up and eyes focused forward.

This is important to remember as things fiscally seem as though they will get a lot worse before they improve. The right frame of mind adds to reducing stress. Yes, we cannot let stress into our lives as it has the tendancy to take over. It is like a cancer which will eat you up inside and leave you bare. Wayne Dyer once said: "It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized."

Although the avoidance of stress seems easier said than done, it can be accomplished. One has to accept the things he cannot change, and focus on removing oneself from stressful events and circumstances. Also, when life's events creates changes, learn to reinvent yourself. One of the most respected people in my life was my high school principal, Willarena Williams, who once spoke at a graduation about reinventing oneself. She stated: "Life will bring tribulations. Do not succomb. Reinvent yourself if the way you live has become difficult. Do you think that I dreamed as a child of becoming your principal? Do you think I studied in school and maintained the Deans List to become your principal? Although proud to be your principal, it was not my first choice. I had to reinvent myself." Words to live by, wouldn't you agree?

Again, walk away from exasperating events and allow your mind freeness to create. Stress will immobilize and cripple. Make sure that, even though you might have to get through a change, you keep in mind that it is temporary. Better times will be ahead, although it might be hard to see right now. Keep your head up and eyes focused ahead. Life moves on!
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The Loss Of A Pet

Darkness. Loneliness. Pain. These are three words that, though strong, fail to describe the loss of a pet. To say it is like losing a family member still doesn't seem to sum up the loss. Why do we allow ourselves to get so close to creatures with life spans a percentage of the length of ours? Maybe, because we just can't help ourselves. Anatole France stated: "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." There is truth to that statement. We have a cell, hormone, or trait that draws us close to creatures that we even name and, for some, have birth certificates and clothes. Thus, the loss is deep and pierces the soul.

Sadly, there are few words of comfort. Friends and family may try, but their words come out empty. You may hear words like, "so why don't you get another one." Well, we didn't lose a Chevrolet. What was lost had a personality, feelings, and our heart. Another just does not replace the pain.

Recently, we lost our almost 7 year old male cocker spaniel to H3N8, the doggie flu. Sadly, he passed away young and youthful. One day playing with his tennis ball and chewing my wife's fine Ralph Lauren linen, to the next day laying on the floor lifeless. The loss is not only felt by my wife and I, but by his two older sister cockers. One continues to look for him, while the other stays in her dog bed all day and refuses to eat. Yes, other pets mourn as well. Some breeds can be so close to each other that they actually mourn to death. We pray that doesn't happen with ours. How could we describe that pain?

It is said that time heals all wounds. If that is the case, then the deeper the wound the more time it will take. For those of you who have had to bury your non-homosapien loved one, you know the pain all too well.

DreamSetting

"Every great man who ever dreamed drove a Cadillac." --(General Motors Cadillac Division Commercial Circa 2000) I don't know how true that statement is since Cadillacs have only been around for 120 years. But, I understand what is being said...dreams lead to excellence. How true that is! One must dream before he can achieve. If you dream, the thoughts become fertile in your heart and mind. Of course, we are speaking of conscious dreams. Unconscious dreams, although eventful at times, cannot be controlled. But the conscious mind can explore thoughts that could lead to inventions, plans, and goals.

Have you ever longed for something? Maybe it was a material item. Maybe it was an intimate relationship. Maybe it was a specific secular achievement. Whatever it was, you had the thought come into your mind. Maybe a passing thought at first. Then you thought about it more and more. Pretty soon it was in your mind day and night. It became so real to you that you could taste it. Within certain boundaries, this desire could lead to goals which can help you achieve your dreams. The reasoning behind saying "certain boundaries" is because we do not want a dream so fertile in our mind that it leads to wrongdoing. We don't want to become dreaming theives. That is not dreamsetting, nor is it an enriching goal. We want our desires to lead to worthwhile goals.

When those desires lead to dreams and we begin to set goals, we will call it dreamsetting, make sure that the goals are S.M.A.R.T. S.M.A.R.T is an acronym for Specific Measurable Attainable Result-oriented and Time-bound. Let's take a brief look at each one of the words that make up the acronym. In being specific, one must not have the desire as the goal. For instance, your desire might be to gain riches. Riches is not specific enough to be a goal. Our thought process has to be narrowed. Measurable is important in dreamsetting. It aids us to know how close we are getting to our goal. Without measurement, we may get frustrated and give up along the way. Attainability is extremely important. Some say that nothing is out of reach. Well, not to be negative, some things are beyonjd the realms of reality. In saying this, I'm not speaking of one's lot in life, but the goal may be unattainable. For instance, to wish to run a Fortune 500 corporation without any of the credentials desired for even an entry level position within the corporation would be unattainable. Surely, the point is not lost in the example, and one can see how an unattainable goal would lead to frustration as well. Our goals must be Result-oriented. Every step along the way, we should see results that bring us closer to the realization of our goal. This will avoid our goal from being abstract, but having reality throughout. Finally, our goal should be time-bound. It should not linger on forever, but it should have a specific date of realization. Jim Carrey once wrote himself a $1,000,000 post-dated check. His goal was S.M.A.R.T., and he achieved his goal on the specific date. Now, we might want to make that date firm or it may have leniency based on the goal.

Not to change our point, but surround yourself with supporters. Avoid those in life who are "dreamkillers". Some either wish for you not to succeed or they can't imagine you reaching your goal. They are to be put away from you as they will only stand in the way of progress. The sad reality is that oftentimes the "dreamkillers" are close to you. Actually, they will have to be in order to know your goals and to be able to introduce doubt into your mind. Do not allow anyone to prohibit your achievements. Set your goal and march forward, never looking in any direction except forward.

For you goal to be real to you and for you to measure your progress, be sure to have your goals in writing. A goal is just a passing thought if it is not written. In addition, remember that you can have multiple goals working simultaneously. Just be sure to keep them S.M.A.R.T. Now, let's dreamset and yield success!

I Love You... Really?

As I look at the cuff purchased by my wife, I ponder the words written on it. It reads, "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has no end." Within the parameters of that definition, few have truly experienced love. Surely, we all have had individuals tell us they love us. As a matter of fact, nothing warms the heart more than the three words, "I love you." There is no other word in the English language as powerful as the word love. If you don't believe it, just look in a thesaurus and see if we can replace love with any other word and maintain the same emotion as when "I love you" is said. Let's try it... "I adore you". No, not the same feeling. How about "I cherish you". Not the words to make the heart melt, is it? Only "I love you" can make our pulse rise. We easily accept it when others say those words to us. Oftentimes, we never question their spoken love. We presume upon it and reciprocate. Unfortunately, we frequently find that their love is not patient, is not kind, and has end. Actually, it is safe to say they never loved us.

How does one know for sure if they are truly loved? Love needs to be tested. Not by our constantly questioning those professing their affection. Of course their reply would be, "sure, I love you". Sadly, those words are rarely heartfelt. The true test comes through trials. We all hate to experience trials, but they are necessary to life. Without them, how will we know how far our "loved ones" will extend their "love" for us? Oprah Winfrey once stated, "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." How many of those around you will be there with their bus token in hand?

Interestingly, it is easy to examine the love others have for us. For some, this leads to paranoia, and believing any and all love shown us is for some reason of conspiracy. But, we also have to examine our own love and motives. Let the words on my cuff be our mirror and look at ourselves. Are we kind? Do we demonstrate patience? Will we unnecessarily end relationships? In other words, do we truly love others? It is rewarding if we do. You can give away dollars and cents and become poor, but no one is ever poor by giving love.

As the holidays arrive, this is a time most people think of loving and giving of themselves in gift form. Don't allow one day to fill you with joy. Joyously live by giving love the other 364 days of the year (of course one extra day of love on the leap years). Also, demand those around you to live by the true meaning of love as well. Never allow yourself to comprimise and except half-heartedness from anyone. Allow trials to ensure the love of those surrounding you. When ones show their true colors and possibly break from your fold, it may hurt for the moment, but you are rewarded by having only the best and most loving in your corner.

Yes, readers, we can't control what others say...but, the next time we say "I love you", let's make sure we mean it. "Love wasn't put in your heart to stay. Love isn't love until you give it away."-Jules Renard

Why Fear Change?

Why is it inside of us to fear change? Many avoid it at all cost. Some embrace it in certain ways but are petrified of it in other instances. Is it because change may take us outside of our comfort zone? Truly, we often become complacent and enjoy doing things a specific way or live life beating to the same drum. But if the beat of that drum needs a change in rhythm, will we seize it? Fear of change can cause internal conflict. Maybe we reside in an area not because we are in love with the vicinity, but we are horrified of what change might bring. Possibly, we have changed our thinking, but will not change our actions because we fear ridicule or loss of those around us who think the way we no longer feel. Thus, we begin living a lie. Is that a joyous existence?

Fear of the unknown is the greatest fear. We began to think of the worse that can happen if we allow others to know we have changed. What we think about and reality actually are often two different things. True, change may make you feel you will lose friends or loved ones. Actually true friends will welcome your change. Friends of circumstance will not. What are friends of circumstance? They are acquaintances who exist because you are in similar situations who will not be there once those conditions differ. For instance, maybe you are in the same peer group possibly in school or work. But once you graduate or are no longer employed at the same facility, they are gone with communication ceasing. Maybe you have a circle of friends with your marriage mate, but once the partners change and are no longer married, the friends dissipate. They long for you together, but are not fond of you apart. The question is, are friends of circumstance friends at all? If one cannot be honest with the ones around him or they don't embrace his change of thought and circumstances, those around him are not his true friends. Their dissipation should be encouraged rather than any feeling of loss. Remember, true friends will wrap their arms around your progression and wrap their arms around you any chance they get.

In 1942, Erica Jong wrote: "I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life specifically fear of change and fear of the unknown; and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far." Maybe, we have felt the same way, but have allowed fear to control our actions unlike Erica. This has lead to unhappy individuals in even sadder situations. Fear has led ones to stay in loveless, adulterous, and even abusive marriages. Fear has led some to report to underpaid, under appreciated dead-end jobs. Fear has led even others to give into peer pressure resulting in dire consequences.

Unhealthy fear is distressing and imprisoning, and we should never let it control us. Continue to change and progress into a better human being without fear of acceptance. This is the only way to truly find happiness and experience internal completeness.

How Should We Measure Success?

Lavish automobiles. Ostentatious homes. Elaborate apparel. Lavish jewelry. Multiple sexual partners. Which of these, if any, measures our success? As Americans, we look at others who may possess these things and immediately call the individual successful. If you don't believe, just watch music videos or television shows like "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" or "Cribs". You will see that people will purchase things that they frankly don't need or will never use just to show others their "success". Even the artists who perform most songs heard on the radio today brag about their purchases, sexual conquests, and extravagant lifestyles. Why? Because no one obviously wants to be associated with or even listen to the music of one who might be classed as a "loser." Odd, isn't it, since most musicians historically have been starving artists. Also, how did many of them get so rich, as their lyrics dictate, before they released their first album? Regardless, society today insists that we measure success materially. So these musicians are happy to oblige.

Actually, these lyrics give eye to what could be a rip in the very stitch of the fabric of society. We are so consumed with being successful that it is the only thing we wish to hear about. Even the false pretense of success sang or rhymed to us in song or leased for our eyes on a reality show. In the words of American critic Christopher Lasch, "nothing succeeds like the appearance of success." Obviously, this is a belief of our musical artists. But if this is the case, why are so many of them unhappy? Why do we see them wasting money and abusing drugs for seconds of a smile?

Contrary to popular belief, success should not be measured by one's sexual exploits or material acquisitions. No, success should be measured by the things that bring lasting happiness. Can any amount of money can bring that? "Try not to become a man of success, but rather become a man of value," said Albert Einstein. Values, morals, purpose should be the things that rank first in our hearts and minds. These are the things longstanding. A parent who raises productive members of society who love and give back to their community while caring for the parents who raised them is successful. A person who gives of their education and ability to motivate others by teaching our children through the low paying school system instead of taking self-sufficient, high-paying employment is successful. One who accomplishes much and gains materially, but turns around and aids their fellowman through phylanthropy is successful. All of these things bring lasting satisfaction and pure happiness with none of the temporary contentment that self-amassment will bring. The old adage is true that money cannot bring happiness. It can only rent it for a while. And, rented happiness is not success.

In our lifetime, we may make a lot of money or we may struggle monetarily. But, if we find ourselves investing what we have in our children, and doing the things that makes it easy for us to look at our own reflection in the mirror, we will find success. With that in mind, may we all aspire to be successful!

"Life Is Partly What We Make It, And Partly What It Is Made By The Friends We Choose"--Tennessee Williams

What is a friend? This is a question I asked many before writing this blog. I got varied answers. One person stated that a friend is one who will give his life for you. Another said that a friend looks past your faults and loves you regardless. Yet someone declared that a friend is there to guide and protect another. All of these statements made me realize that obviously a friend is something needed, but we all would agree that there are not enough of in the world.

The pure definition of a friend is one who is attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. In other words, a friend is one you know, like, and trust. Truly, we can like someone but do we accurately know them? Thus, can we trust them? Assuredly, we all have had a lot of ones that we considered friends, but they proved themselves contrarily. Oddly, is there any other characteristic of an individual that if a person is not complete, than they are the opposite. Think about it, if one is not your friend because of proven actions, than he becomes your enemy. There is no betweenness. No such thing as a frienenemy or an enefriend. They are either friend or foe.

The problem is that some very close to us are pretenders to friendship. They exist to bring subsequent heartbreak. But is that entirely their fault? True some people are insincere in their motives. Some will hurt others simply because they are not friends to themselves. And, most definitely, if one does not love himself, he cannot love someone else. But, on the opposite side of the spectrum, maybe we use the term "friend" too loosely, and we labeled them as a "friend" before we fully got to know of all of their traits. We have to have a period of trials of trust before we can call one a friend in the truest sense. Trials of trust? Yes, we give a little of ourselves and then they give a little of themselves. Maybe we tell them something personal, and depending upon how they handle that, we tell them more. As trust is developed, we may give them several more tidbits. Pretty soon they may be privy to bountiful amounts of information about us, and we about them. This person becomes our confidant, our adviser, our companion, our friend. Obviously, more time should be spent at the onset during the trials of trust. If more time is spent at this phase, we might be able to find out that someone is not going to be there for us in the more difficult times.

Too often we like a person for whatever reason and way too soon begin an instant friendship. We hurriedly skip all of the steps of the trials of trust and move them from stranger to friend in the blink of an eye. Maybe they had a similar background, maybe they are charismatic, or maybe they think along the same lines we do. But, there is no such thing as friend at first sight. What we then have is someone knowing too much who will eventually use that knowledge to do us harm. Then they become the type of friend Oscar Wilde was speaking of when he said “a friend is one who will stab you in the front”.

In contrast, some have good intentions in a relationship. Maybe it begins with one being sincere, but we expect more out of a person than they can give. We have to accept their faults and hope that they accept ours. Bernard Meltzer said “a true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.” We must be good friends ourselves and become accepting of others. Maybe we know our friend has a selfish trait. Well, we have to accept that and not cut him off from our bosom at the next sign of selfishness. Possibly, our friend suffers with listening. The next time we begin to tell her about our boss' actions at the office that bothers us to no end, and she immediately cuts us off to tell us about a new song she heard on the radio or this brand new blouse she saw at Macy's, it might not be time to send her to the no-friend zone. She is just not centered. Possibly our friend is not to the same place in the relationship as we are. If this is the case, we should explain our concerns to our friend and allow them time to ameliorate.


True enough, a friend might be one we know, like, and trust, but that does not make him perfect. Expect mistakes and missteps. But, be sure that before you give someone your heart and name him your friend, he is worthy of bearing the name.

Await Tomorrow Happily!

Each day approximately 280,000 people do not awaken. Those of us who have the privilege to see the next day should find happiness and joy in that alone. But, the sad reality is that we are all bombarded with so much that life hands us daily that we rarely find a moment to reflect on the exuberance of life. Oftentimes, instead of a jovial spirit, we are saddened to see a day come. In the musical Annie, the lead sings the familiar words: "tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow". But how many of us have that sentiment for the coming day? Our love for tomorrow may not run as deep as Annie's. Why? Because, many days arrive with much chagrin. For instance, we may be anxious because a certain date is approaching inwhich we have to pay a bill that we have no idea of how it will get paid. Or, maybe it is the day the boss has deadlines for a certain work assignment. Possibly it is the day we see the dentist for a painful procedure. Whatever the reason, that day brings anxiety instead of zestful merriment.

How many days can you count inwhich you took the time to notice a sunrise or sunset? How many times have you thrown restraint into the wind and took a nature hike or a family day at the zoo on a weekday? Can your family name a moment you casually took them to an amusement park? How many of the 280,000 that did not rise today would have regretted those opportunities? Or if they had the chance to live life all over again, would turn down the chance?

With that in mind, we should view every second of life as precious and seek happiness. Wake up each day and think of three things that make you happy. Also, think of one thing that you are going to do for yourself that brings joy. I once worked an extremely taxing job. The stress level was unbelievable. I decided each day after work I would drive to my favorite drive thru and get an ice cream cone. Pretty soon I began to look forward to that $.50 ice cream cone. When customers or the boss would make unreal demands of me, I would smile. They would be happy seeing me smile and carry out their demands, but the whole while I know I'm smiling because once I'm away from them, I would have the chance to have my treat. Now, the ice cream cone is mine so you will have to think of that single thing you can do for yourself to bring a smile through adversity. In addition, make those around you delighted with your presence, especially those you care for the most. It is amazing how contagious gaieties are. If others are blissful because of your deeds, you will be content as well.

Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Because of that fact, let us enjoy each day to the full and keep worry and apprehension to a minimum. Problems will come since they are unavoidable, but may we not become consumed with them. Thus, we can enjoy life's experiences with the joviality and laughter of a child in his innocence. With happiness as our objective, how can tomorrow go wrong?

"Await Tomorrow Happily" is the title of the new blog to be posted tomorrow. Tune in at sirjamesthe3rd.blogspot.com tomorrow and every Wednesday for hot topics!

You Are Forgiven, But Forgotten...?

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." --Mahatma Ghandi

No doubt about it, all of us have been hurt by another. Or, we may have been the one doing the hurting. Either way it seems that pain is a common fiber in the very makeup of human relationships. Sadly, we do agonizing things mainly to those we love. Maybe it is because we spend most of our time with them, or they are most accessible when we reach out the long arm of wrath. Because they are the ones we love most, it make no sense to turn them against us. As senseless as it might be, that is what we oftentimes carry out.

To get back into the good graces of our loved ones, forgiveness is necessary. Wouldn't the purest definition of the word "forgiveness" imply that the receiver wanted to be excused for a wrong? Asking, or better yet, begging for such? Oddly, many fail to ask to be forgiven. It is presumed upon. That should never happen. If we hurt, we must seek to bridge the pain caused. This is simple in principle, but difficult in reality. Why? Well, because many times we may feel we were justified in our actions. Possibly, we feel that others are more tender-hearted than they should be and easy to offend. Regardless, one is not obligated to grant a pardon especially if we are not pursuing it.

Even though it is not an obligation, it is believed that forgiveness is linked to happiness. Ann Landers once stated: "One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything before you go to bed”. Have you ever tried that? It may be the best thing to do, but who can fully carry this out? Maybe this is questioned because we are thinking along the wrong track with what Ann Landers was actually saying. When she said to "forgive everybody", she was thinking along the definition of the word. To forgive literally means to grant pardon or to cease to feel resentment against. Although arduous to let go of resentment, we can fulfill this daily.

What remains laborious is the notion that one has to forget when forgiving. This might be easier if the human mind wasn't scientifically proven to have the storage capacity to record 11 million books. With that amount of recollection, it is impossible to forget the misconduct of others. Truly, the brain is not a chalk board easily to be erased. Maybe it is not an impossibility, but it is as Ivern Ball asserted: "most of us can forgive and forget we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave." How true, because we will remind the person of what they did and even tell them that we forgave them. That alone proves that we have not forgotten.

And why should we forget? If we let others wrong us and we develop amnesia each time, we will continue to let people treat us improperly. It is not the forgetting that is foremost, it is the resentment we must let drift away. Besides, Irish novelist may have put it best when he said: "always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much". Hopefully, this was said in jest as forgiveness must be heartfelt for us to heal. Truly, we cannot move on with life if we hold onto the actions of others. Our forgiveness has to almost be of a selfish nature--we can't recover if we persist to condemn others for their mishandling of our hearts. May we find it in ourselves to forgive even if we can never forget.

Is Chivarly Dead, and Did Courtesy Buy the Farm Too?

Walking from work to our car, my wife was a few paces ahead of me. As she approached the door, a man happened to be on the other side of the same door. Instead of him stepping to the side to let a lady through, he walked through the door leaving her holding it. My immediate thought was, what happened to the gentlemen?

First of all, what is a gentleman? He is supposed to be a refined male, non barbaric. He can be seen as one who would care for his family and his fellowman. As such, he is not one ashamed to give love in abundance and he longs to receive it as well. Back in the day he was called "sir", an "aristocrat", or a "caballero". Today, we can just call him "rare".

The Weather Girls sang to us in 1982 "it's raining men, hallelujah!". Well, it must have been quite a poor forecast. Because we are seeing deadbeat dads, men with abusive behavior, absolute machismo, and anything other than a desription of he who was once even called a "lord" in the good ole days. What happened? Where did he go?

Many says he went away after the sexual revolution. Since then, he no longer had to show gentleness and sincerity to gain a woman. Think about it, once upon a time a man had to remove his hat when walking in a room, he rose when a woman sat at the table with him, and he treated his woman like a precious flower. When approaching a woman for the first time to speak to her, he used compliments and terms of beauty. Since the sexual revolution, men obviously found none of this necessary. Instead of endearing terms to get a woman's attention, a "hey shawty" or "looka here mama" works just as well. Women will allow the lack of chivalry, so the men happily oblige. I remember my mother telling me to walk to the door and meet a lady there on a date. Now the fellas just pull up and blow the horn. I remember asking my wife's parents for her hand. Now a man can skip all of that and give her a key to his place instead of any act of chivarlry followed by a ring. Sadly, women view this behavior as acceptable.

Why is this wrong? Because there are some of us who find true value in a real man. We want to employ him because we like his character, we want to be his friend because we can trust him, and we want him to marry our daughter because we know he will give his life for her.
But, aside from this, common courtesy have taken a back seat to produce an inconsiderate generation. This, of course, is evident in both sexes. How many times have you been pushed aside, stepped in front of in line, or had your foot stepped on without even the courtesy of two little words: "excuse me". We can go on for hours about impolite young people, but the older generation is just as guilty. Maybe even more so because they raised these ingrates who are our future leaders.

True enough, this is where we are. But, where do we go from here? We begin by looking in the mirror and resolving not to be discourteous, and resolving not to perpetuate it by tolerating others who maintain a disdain for what we call "common courtesy". As parents, let's guide the next generation by embracing cordiality. May they look to us as examples to follow. Men, let us give women the attentiveness they deserve by being thoughtful and chivalrous to the point that it raises our appearance to elegance. May we portray a polished demeanor that makes any woman proud to refer to us as "gentlemen". Yes, everyone, its not too late to change. May it begin today by walking with consideration for others and carrying ourselves with refinement. If we make this our determination, we will see civility return to us by others giving of themselves graciously as well.

Tune into sirjamesthe3rd.blogspot.com today after 9pm for the blog entitled: "Is Chivarly Dead, and Did Courtesy Buy the Farm Too?"

Where Do Labels Belong?

If we walk into any market to buy goods, we find labels everywhere. Although many are colorful and seemingly nonsensical, they have a purpose. The purpose is not only to name a product, but to give a description. Take any can of soup for instance. It will tell you, among other things, the name of the corporation who makes it, what the main ingredients are, and the nutritional value. Thank God for the label, right? Now, we know what we are eating and who made our product. Without the label, if we open a can wanting Chicken Noodle, we might get Beef Stew, Clam Chowder, or anything other than what we had the taste for. Also, we can prevent an allergic reaction due to the ingredient product knowledge the label provides. Useful, huh? So useful are the labels that we may group an entire product line by the most popular label. Mom may tell you to eat Campbells when sick, but she just means soup in general. Kids may ask for Kool-Aid when any powder-flavored drink will suffice. Teenagers often call any effervescent, dark-colored drink Coke. And how many times have you been told to Xerox something when the person really meant copy?


Actually, manufacturers and advertisers know the power of labels. You may recall being asked to save Campbell soup labels as a child. The goal was to bring the labels to school for items the soup company would provide to the school based on the number of labels submitted. What did this accomplish? Parents would buy that brand of soup for the labels. Schools would print that brand name on handouts sent home to parents notifying them of the "soup drive." But most importantly, the label made the child remember that brand at an early age. Now, as adults, they probably still buy that brand of soup. At this point, the label brings about a reaction. Yes, a familiar labeled soup may bring warm feelings of mom when you were sick or cold. A familiar label on a medicine bottle may bring negative feelings of the ailment as well as the side effects.


What does all of this tell us? Labels are important for products. They inform, bring familiar feelings, aid in remembering, and can group product lines under one umbrella label. Where labels are inappropriate are on people.

None of us want to be labelled, but we are guilty of labelling others. Like products, "people labelling" gives a description, but it falls short by not allowing the hearer to get to know that individual for themselves. The label is used to bring familiar negative feelings and group people together adversely. It gives the hearer little information of the individual and helps put the one labelled in a colorless, counteractive light. Just recently, a friend of mine was described by a workmate as "the gay guy." "The gay guy" is his people label. My friend is a lot of things that the people label just doesn't impart. "The gay guy" doesn't tell us that he is a war veteran, a child advocate, a health care professional, a loving parent, nor does it tell us his love for his community that he volunteers for on any level. The people label doesn't even tell us his beautiful mother-given name. But to a group of others looking for a reason to dislike him, "the gay guy" is sufficient. The people label groups him and takes away his individuality. It allows us to know his sexuality, but little else. It gives a loving, caring, complex man a three word useless description to be used only for the purpose of a familiar, albeit negative, reaction of the listener.

Not long ago, my wife and I were referred outside of our names that our parents took the time and concern to mull over before writing them on our birth certificates. We were people labelled, "the Black people." The label was given along with a negative stereotype. The user stated in full that "the Black people in the room were too loud." Our people label is "the Black people." This was offensive not because I am ashamed of my race. Just as my friend is proud of his sexuality. The user adopted this label to stereotype and group unfavorably, and it is this user's purpose that I resent.

This gives us another problem with people labels. Rarely do they give us a congenial feeling. Less often do they uplift. For instance, why wasn't my friend labelled "the beautiful, kind-hearted man?" Our my wife and I labelled "the faithful couple?" Why is because people labels are judgments placed upon us unwillingly. And, unlike products they refrain from describing what we are made of. Instead they only give a limited view that the user wishes the hearer to see.

In order to better the world around us, we must seek to change ourselves. If we find we prattle to the point of hurting others by labelling, allow ourselves to remove the impulse. We will find that our world around us and our minds will be capaciously broadened. Thus, we will be an asset to our friends and others. We will truly be useful and desired with our thoughts and ideas being implored and solicited by others.

Tune in Wednesday for the blog: "Where Do Labels Belong?"

Live in the Land of Loyalty

As I sit today in the hospital, I began to think about the word loyalty and what it really means. No, I'm not a patient today but an observer. I have the privilege to see my sister, who was given life by my mother, give life to my mother. Today, my sibling laid under the knife to give her kidney to an ailing woman that for 45 years she calls "ma." She didn't stop there. She went as far as to tell the doctor that if she passed away during surgery, to harvest her organs for mom! Total selflessness was shown by a child who thought of nothing but her love for her mother. I could only stand to the side, watch this act of loyalty, cry, and ask myself why her act is so shocking in the world around us today.

American author Napoleon Hill once wrote: “lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life." Has more conscientious words ever been spoken? I have to admit that most people have a longing for loyalty. Why? Well, because many around us proclaim their loyalty, but it is just a facade. Family, friends, and business partners would have us believe that they would die for us, when the truth of the matter is that they may prove to be the root of our demise. Now, is this to say that we all have to live in a state of paranoia and began to become recluses? No, but this is all being said to make us cautious. We must recognize that not all people who are a part of our life are there for our success. Thus, we see family members and friends suing each other and killing each other by words, deeds, or literally. Our cautiousness should limit our surprise when we see their disloyal actions. But, prepare us to accept that loyalty is not a gene in the DNA of most homo sapiens.

Many say to be loyal means to have an attachment or bond. Some say it is support or sincerity. To me, it is all of those defining synonyms. In addition, loyalty is a single-minded devotion given in purity and trueheartedness. If we can't agree on it's definition, we can definitely agree that it's contrary to the undependability, unfaithfulness, aversion, opposition, and animosity that characterize most today. Therefore, it is safe to say that loyalty is a word variedly defined by many, but stringently lived by few.

Of course, we cannot change others. I know that many believe that they can, but they can't. Not to go on a rant, but those dating each other often see traits they don't like about the other. They go on to marry that person anyway thinking that they can "change" them. How false that reasoning has proved to be. We can only work on changing ourselves. So, let's do that.

All of us have traits that need correcting. The work on ourselves begins today! If we find ourselves resenting the accolades of our friend, why don't we stop, take a deep breath, and join in giving our friend more recognition rather than begin a campaign to annihilate them. If a family member struggles, why don't we stretch out our hand to uplift instead of extend our foot to stomp down. If a business partner is better accepted within the community than we, why don't we use their great traits to better the corporation than to threaten it's ruination by tearing apart the organization through opposition based on insecurity.

We know ourselves better than anyone else. May we make every effort to find the disloyal traits inside of our hearts and replace them with a resolution of devotion, scrupulousness, and trustworthiness that characterizes one as loyal.

New blog coming today! "Live In the Land of Loyalty"

One who does not accept correction succombs to corruption

It is not far-fetched to state that none of us love correction. Punishment of any kind for prior mistakes was surely not enjoyable. Growing up, I had what many parents call a "fast mouth." Well, let's just call it what it is, quick wit. Hey, I found it to be either a blessing or a curse. It was a blessing because I was never short of words whether in a debate or for using a pick up line. It was a curse because I said exactly what was on my mind. Of course, that never pleases parents. My mother has several stories she tells my friends of how my "fast mouth" led to even faster punishment. Well, like it or not, her punishment provided me with the correction I needed. Now I temper that quick wit. I watch my words carefully. No, I am not perfect, but I remember my mother's words which were used to guide my words. In other words, I accepted correction.



Today, too few want to be corrected. They would rather walk the line and call it freedom. If you offer advice or give any sort of nudge in the correct way, they look at you like you have three heads. Sad, and so because their so-called freedom imprisons those around them. Well, one thing is for sure, if someone never accepts correction in any form, he will become corrupt. Is that the reason why we see so much corruption today? Think about it. When the word corruption came up in a conversation years past, it usually was used in reference to a politician. That is a shame within itself too since these are the men and women running our country, but now that word is used in reference to our religious leaders and organizations, Wall Street advisors, insurance agents and companies, collegiate institutions, and the list is endless. Why? Why are we bombarded with shameless corruption in every direction? Because, none of the individuals or institutions that ended up corrupt heeded correction on a moral level. NONE! If your state or federal representative was imprisoned, chances are someone tried to help him walk the moral way to no avail. If your pastor or your religious organization thinks it is so close to God that only He can correct them, you can wrap your arms around the fact that corruption is quickly becoming a part of it's DNA. Which leads us to the theory of why we as a country are flooded with debt...corruption of insurance companies, banks, and Wall Street advisors. Many on the opposing side of these bankers and insurance companies say there were warnings given years ago to change the corrupting ways of greed. Needless to say, those warnings were not heeded.



In short, correction is needed. We must embrace it! Children, accept the discipline of well-meaning parents and teachers. Parents, raise your children with good moral conscience and discipline them in love so they can remember why not to walk a course. They should not avoid a course out of fear but out of knowledge. Politicians, listen to your inner conscience and listen to the moral, honest constituents around you and not your pocketbook. Bankers, walk to the beat of the public drum and avoid the schemes that drain the whole and enrich the few. Religionists, accept the fact that all paths to God are not straight, clear cut paths without potholes. Thus, to think your religion or your view is "the correct one" needing no refinement will lead you down a path of ruination as well.



Let's all work on ourselves, accept correction and strive to avoid the pitfalls of corruption.