"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." --Mahatma Ghandi
No doubt about it, all of us have been hurt by another. Or, we may have been the one doing the hurting. Either way it seems that pain is a common fiber in the very makeup of human relationships. Sadly, we do agonizing things mainly to those we love. Maybe it is because we spend most of our time with them, or they are most accessible when we reach out the long arm of wrath. Because they are the ones we love most, it make no sense to turn them against us. As senseless as it might be, that is what we oftentimes carry out.
To get back into the good graces of our loved ones, forgiveness is necessary. Wouldn't the purest definition of the word "forgiveness" imply that the receiver wanted to be excused for a wrong? Asking, or better yet, begging for such? Oddly, many fail to ask to be forgiven. It is presumed upon. That should never happen. If we hurt, we must seek to bridge the pain caused. This is simple in principle, but difficult in reality. Why? Well, because many times we may feel we were justified in our actions. Possibly, we feel that others are more tender-hearted than they should be and easy to offend. Regardless, one is not obligated to grant a pardon especially if we are not pursuing it.
Even though it is not an obligation, it is believed that forgiveness is linked to happiness. Ann Landers once stated: "One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything before you go to bed”. Have you ever tried that? It may be the best thing to do, but who can fully carry this out? Maybe this is questioned because we are thinking along the wrong track with what Ann Landers was actually saying. When she said to "forgive everybody", she was thinking along the definition of the word. To forgive literally means to grant pardon or to cease to feel resentment against. Although arduous to let go of resentment, we can fulfill this daily.
What remains laborious is the notion that one has to forget when forgiving. This might be easier if the human mind wasn't scientifically proven to have the storage capacity to record 11 million books. With that amount of recollection, it is impossible to forget the misconduct of others. Truly, the brain is not a chalk board easily to be erased. Maybe it is not an impossibility, but it is as Ivern Ball asserted: "most of us can forgive and forget we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave." How true, because we will remind the person of what they did and even tell them that we forgave them. That alone proves that we have not forgotten.
And why should we forget? If we let others wrong us and we develop amnesia each time, we will continue to let people treat us improperly. It is not the forgetting that is foremost, it is the resentment we must let drift away. Besides, Irish novelist may have put it best when he said: "always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much". Hopefully, this was said in jest as forgiveness must be heartfelt for us to heal. Truly, we cannot move on with life if we hold onto the actions of others. Our forgiveness has to almost be of a selfish nature--we can't recover if we persist to condemn others for their mishandling of our hearts. May we find it in ourselves to forgive even if we can never forget.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Is Chivarly Dead, and Did Courtesy Buy the Farm Too?
Walking from work to our car, my wife was a few paces ahead of me. As she approached the door, a man happened to be on the other side of the same door. Instead of him stepping to the side to let a lady through, he walked through the door leaving her holding it. My immediate thought was, what happened to the gentlemen?
First of all, what is a gentleman? He is supposed to be a refined male, non barbaric. He can be seen as one who would care for his family and his fellowman. As such, he is not one ashamed to give love in abundance and he longs to receive it as well. Back in the day he was called "sir", an "aristocrat", or a "caballero". Today, we can just call him "rare".
The Weather Girls sang to us in 1982 "it's raining men, hallelujah!". Well, it must have been quite a poor forecast. Because we are seeing deadbeat dads, men with abusive behavior, absolute machismo, and anything other than a desription of he who was once even called a "lord" in the good ole days. What happened? Where did he go?
Many says he went away after the sexual revolution. Since then, he no longer had to show gentleness and sincerity to gain a woman. Think about it, once upon a time a man had to remove his hat when walking in a room, he rose when a woman sat at the table with him, and he treated his woman like a precious flower. When approaching a woman for the first time to speak to her, he used compliments and terms of beauty. Since the sexual revolution, men obviously found none of this necessary. Instead of endearing terms to get a woman's attention, a "hey shawty" or "looka here mama" works just as well. Women will allow the lack of chivalry, so the men happily oblige. I remember my mother telling me to walk to the door and meet a lady there on a date. Now the fellas just pull up and blow the horn. I remember asking my wife's parents for her hand. Now a man can skip all of that and give her a key to his place instead of any act of chivarlry followed by a ring. Sadly, women view this behavior as acceptable.
Why is this wrong? Because there are some of us who find true value in a real man. We want to employ him because we like his character, we want to be his friend because we can trust him, and we want him to marry our daughter because we know he will give his life for her.
But, aside from this, common courtesy have taken a back seat to produce an inconsiderate generation. This, of course, is evident in both sexes. How many times have you been pushed aside, stepped in front of in line, or had your foot stepped on without even the courtesy of two little words: "excuse me". We can go on for hours about impolite young people, but the older generation is just as guilty. Maybe even more so because they raised these ingrates who are our future leaders.
True enough, this is where we are. But, where do we go from here? We begin by looking in the mirror and resolving not to be discourteous, and resolving not to perpetuate it by tolerating others who maintain a disdain for what we call "common courtesy". As parents, let's guide the next generation by embracing cordiality. May they look to us as examples to follow. Men, let us give women the attentiveness they deserve by being thoughtful and chivalrous to the point that it raises our appearance to elegance. May we portray a polished demeanor that makes any woman proud to refer to us as "gentlemen". Yes, everyone, its not too late to change. May it begin today by walking with consideration for others and carrying ourselves with refinement. If we make this our determination, we will see civility return to us by others giving of themselves graciously as well.
First of all, what is a gentleman? He is supposed to be a refined male, non barbaric. He can be seen as one who would care for his family and his fellowman. As such, he is not one ashamed to give love in abundance and he longs to receive it as well. Back in the day he was called "sir", an "aristocrat", or a "caballero". Today, we can just call him "rare".
The Weather Girls sang to us in 1982 "it's raining men, hallelujah!". Well, it must have been quite a poor forecast. Because we are seeing deadbeat dads, men with abusive behavior, absolute machismo, and anything other than a desription of he who was once even called a "lord" in the good ole days. What happened? Where did he go?
Many says he went away after the sexual revolution. Since then, he no longer had to show gentleness and sincerity to gain a woman. Think about it, once upon a time a man had to remove his hat when walking in a room, he rose when a woman sat at the table with him, and he treated his woman like a precious flower. When approaching a woman for the first time to speak to her, he used compliments and terms of beauty. Since the sexual revolution, men obviously found none of this necessary. Instead of endearing terms to get a woman's attention, a "hey shawty" or "looka here mama" works just as well. Women will allow the lack of chivalry, so the men happily oblige. I remember my mother telling me to walk to the door and meet a lady there on a date. Now the fellas just pull up and blow the horn. I remember asking my wife's parents for her hand. Now a man can skip all of that and give her a key to his place instead of any act of chivarlry followed by a ring. Sadly, women view this behavior as acceptable.
Why is this wrong? Because there are some of us who find true value in a real man. We want to employ him because we like his character, we want to be his friend because we can trust him, and we want him to marry our daughter because we know he will give his life for her.
But, aside from this, common courtesy have taken a back seat to produce an inconsiderate generation. This, of course, is evident in both sexes. How many times have you been pushed aside, stepped in front of in line, or had your foot stepped on without even the courtesy of two little words: "excuse me". We can go on for hours about impolite young people, but the older generation is just as guilty. Maybe even more so because they raised these ingrates who are our future leaders.
True enough, this is where we are. But, where do we go from here? We begin by looking in the mirror and resolving not to be discourteous, and resolving not to perpetuate it by tolerating others who maintain a disdain for what we call "common courtesy". As parents, let's guide the next generation by embracing cordiality. May they look to us as examples to follow. Men, let us give women the attentiveness they deserve by being thoughtful and chivalrous to the point that it raises our appearance to elegance. May we portray a polished demeanor that makes any woman proud to refer to us as "gentlemen". Yes, everyone, its not too late to change. May it begin today by walking with consideration for others and carrying ourselves with refinement. If we make this our determination, we will see civility return to us by others giving of themselves graciously as well.
Tune into sirjamesthe3rd.blogspot.com today after 9pm for the blog entitled: "Is Chivarly Dead, and Did Courtesy Buy the Farm Too?"
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Where Do Labels Belong?
If we walk into any market to buy goods, we find labels everywhere. Although many are colorful and seemingly nonsensical, they have a purpose. The purpose is not only to name a product, but to give a description. Take any can of soup for instance. It will tell you, among other things, the name of the corporation who makes it, what the main ingredients are, and the nutritional value. Thank God for the label, right? Now, we know what we are eating and who made our product. Without the label, if we open a can wanting Chicken Noodle, we might get Beef Stew, Clam Chowder, or anything other than what we had the taste for. Also, we can prevent an allergic reaction due to the ingredient product knowledge the label provides. Useful, huh? So useful are the labels that we may group an entire product line by the most popular label. Mom may tell you to eat Campbells when sick, but she just means soup in general. Kids may ask for Kool-Aid when any powder-flavored drink will suffice. Teenagers often call any effervescent, dark-colored drink Coke. And how many times have you been told to Xerox something when the person really meant copy?
Actually, manufacturers and advertisers know the power of labels. You may recall being asked to save Campbell soup labels as a child. The goal was to bring the labels to school for items the soup company would provide to the school based on the number of labels submitted. What did this accomplish? Parents would buy that brand of soup for the labels. Schools would print that brand name on handouts sent home to parents notifying them of the "soup drive." But most importantly, the label made the child remember that brand at an early age. Now, as adults, they probably still buy that brand of soup. At this point, the label brings about a reaction. Yes, a familiar labeled soup may bring warm feelings of mom when you were sick or cold. A familiar label on a medicine bottle may bring negative feelings of the ailment as well as the side effects.
What does all of this tell us? Labels are important for products. They inform, bring familiar feelings, aid in remembering, and can group product lines under one umbrella label. Where labels are inappropriate are on people.
None of us want to be labelled, but we are guilty of labelling others. Like products, "people labelling" gives a description, but it falls short by not allowing the hearer to get to know that individual for themselves. The label is used to bring familiar negative feelings and group people together adversely. It gives the hearer little information of the individual and helps put the one labelled in a colorless, counteractive light. Just recently, a friend of mine was described by a workmate as "the gay guy." "The gay guy" is his people label. My friend is a lot of things that the people label just doesn't impart. "The gay guy" doesn't tell us that he is a war veteran, a child advocate, a health care professional, a loving parent, nor does it tell us his love for his community that he volunteers for on any level. The people label doesn't even tell us his beautiful mother-given name. But to a group of others looking for a reason to dislike him, "the gay guy" is sufficient. The people label groups him and takes away his individuality. It allows us to know his sexuality, but little else. It gives a loving, caring, complex man a three word useless description to be used only for the purpose of a familiar, albeit negative, reaction of the listener.
Not long ago, my wife and I were referred outside of our names that our parents took the time and concern to mull over before writing them on our birth certificates. We were people labelled, "the Black people." The label was given along with a negative stereotype. The user stated in full that "the Black people in the room were too loud." Our people label is "the Black people." This was offensive not because I am ashamed of my race. Just as my friend is proud of his sexuality. The user adopted this label to stereotype and group unfavorably, and it is this user's purpose that I resent.
This gives us another problem with people labels. Rarely do they give us a congenial feeling. Less often do they uplift. For instance, why wasn't my friend labelled "the beautiful, kind-hearted man?" Our my wife and I labelled "the faithful couple?" Why is because people labels are judgments placed upon us unwillingly. And, unlike products they refrain from describing what we are made of. Instead they only give a limited view that the user wishes the hearer to see.
In order to better the world around us, we must seek to change ourselves. If we find we prattle to the point of hurting others by labelling, allow ourselves to remove the impulse. We will find that our world around us and our minds will be capaciously broadened. Thus, we will be an asset to our friends and others. We will truly be useful and desired with our thoughts and ideas being implored and solicited by others.
Actually, manufacturers and advertisers know the power of labels. You may recall being asked to save Campbell soup labels as a child. The goal was to bring the labels to school for items the soup company would provide to the school based on the number of labels submitted. What did this accomplish? Parents would buy that brand of soup for the labels. Schools would print that brand name on handouts sent home to parents notifying them of the "soup drive." But most importantly, the label made the child remember that brand at an early age. Now, as adults, they probably still buy that brand of soup. At this point, the label brings about a reaction. Yes, a familiar labeled soup may bring warm feelings of mom when you were sick or cold. A familiar label on a medicine bottle may bring negative feelings of the ailment as well as the side effects.
What does all of this tell us? Labels are important for products. They inform, bring familiar feelings, aid in remembering, and can group product lines under one umbrella label. Where labels are inappropriate are on people.
None of us want to be labelled, but we are guilty of labelling others. Like products, "people labelling" gives a description, but it falls short by not allowing the hearer to get to know that individual for themselves. The label is used to bring familiar negative feelings and group people together adversely. It gives the hearer little information of the individual and helps put the one labelled in a colorless, counteractive light. Just recently, a friend of mine was described by a workmate as "the gay guy." "The gay guy" is his people label. My friend is a lot of things that the people label just doesn't impart. "The gay guy" doesn't tell us that he is a war veteran, a child advocate, a health care professional, a loving parent, nor does it tell us his love for his community that he volunteers for on any level. The people label doesn't even tell us his beautiful mother-given name. But to a group of others looking for a reason to dislike him, "the gay guy" is sufficient. The people label groups him and takes away his individuality. It allows us to know his sexuality, but little else. It gives a loving, caring, complex man a three word useless description to be used only for the purpose of a familiar, albeit negative, reaction of the listener.
Not long ago, my wife and I were referred outside of our names that our parents took the time and concern to mull over before writing them on our birth certificates. We were people labelled, "the Black people." The label was given along with a negative stereotype. The user stated in full that "the Black people in the room were too loud." Our people label is "the Black people." This was offensive not because I am ashamed of my race. Just as my friend is proud of his sexuality. The user adopted this label to stereotype and group unfavorably, and it is this user's purpose that I resent.
This gives us another problem with people labels. Rarely do they give us a congenial feeling. Less often do they uplift. For instance, why wasn't my friend labelled "the beautiful, kind-hearted man?" Our my wife and I labelled "the faithful couple?" Why is because people labels are judgments placed upon us unwillingly. And, unlike products they refrain from describing what we are made of. Instead they only give a limited view that the user wishes the hearer to see.
In order to better the world around us, we must seek to change ourselves. If we find we prattle to the point of hurting others by labelling, allow ourselves to remove the impulse. We will find that our world around us and our minds will be capaciously broadened. Thus, we will be an asset to our friends and others. We will truly be useful and desired with our thoughts and ideas being implored and solicited by others.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Live in the Land of Loyalty
As I sit today in the hospital, I began to think about the word loyalty and what it really means. No, I'm not a patient today but an observer. I have the privilege to see my sister, who was given life by my mother, give life to my mother. Today, my sibling laid under the knife to give her kidney to an ailing woman that for 45 years she calls "ma." She didn't stop there. She went as far as to tell the doctor that if she passed away during surgery, to harvest her organs for mom! Total selflessness was shown by a child who thought of nothing but her love for her mother. I could only stand to the side, watch this act of loyalty, cry, and ask myself why her act is so shocking in the world around us today.
American author Napoleon Hill once wrote: “lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life." Has more conscientious words ever been spoken? I have to admit that most people have a longing for loyalty. Why? Well, because many around us proclaim their loyalty, but it is just a facade. Family, friends, and business partners would have us believe that they would die for us, when the truth of the matter is that they may prove to be the root of our demise. Now, is this to say that we all have to live in a state of paranoia and began to become recluses? No, but this is all being said to make us cautious. We must recognize that not all people who are a part of our life are there for our success. Thus, we see family members and friends suing each other and killing each other by words, deeds, or literally. Our cautiousness should limit our surprise when we see their disloyal actions. But, prepare us to accept that loyalty is not a gene in the DNA of most homo sapiens.
Many say to be loyal means to have an attachment or bond. Some say it is support or sincerity. To me, it is all of those defining synonyms. In addition, loyalty is a single-minded devotion given in purity and trueheartedness. If we can't agree on it's definition, we can definitely agree that it's contrary to the undependability, unfaithfulness, aversion, opposition, and animosity that characterize most today. Therefore, it is safe to say that loyalty is a word variedly defined by many, but stringently lived by few.
Of course, we cannot change others. I know that many believe that they can, but they can't. Not to go on a rant, but those dating each other often see traits they don't like about the other. They go on to marry that person anyway thinking that they can "change" them. How false that reasoning has proved to be. We can only work on changing ourselves. So, let's do that.
All of us have traits that need correcting. The work on ourselves begins today! If we find ourselves resenting the accolades of our friend, why don't we stop, take a deep breath, and join in giving our friend more recognition rather than begin a campaign to annihilate them. If a family member struggles, why don't we stretch out our hand to uplift instead of extend our foot to stomp down. If a business partner is better accepted within the community than we, why don't we use their great traits to better the corporation than to threaten it's ruination by tearing apart the organization through opposition based on insecurity.
We know ourselves better than anyone else. May we make every effort to find the disloyal traits inside of our hearts and replace them with a resolution of devotion, scrupulousness, and trustworthiness that characterizes one as loyal.
American author Napoleon Hill once wrote: “lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life." Has more conscientious words ever been spoken? I have to admit that most people have a longing for loyalty. Why? Well, because many around us proclaim their loyalty, but it is just a facade. Family, friends, and business partners would have us believe that they would die for us, when the truth of the matter is that they may prove to be the root of our demise. Now, is this to say that we all have to live in a state of paranoia and began to become recluses? No, but this is all being said to make us cautious. We must recognize that not all people who are a part of our life are there for our success. Thus, we see family members and friends suing each other and killing each other by words, deeds, or literally. Our cautiousness should limit our surprise when we see their disloyal actions. But, prepare us to accept that loyalty is not a gene in the DNA of most homo sapiens.
Many say to be loyal means to have an attachment or bond. Some say it is support or sincerity. To me, it is all of those defining synonyms. In addition, loyalty is a single-minded devotion given in purity and trueheartedness. If we can't agree on it's definition, we can definitely agree that it's contrary to the undependability, unfaithfulness, aversion, opposition, and animosity that characterize most today. Therefore, it is safe to say that loyalty is a word variedly defined by many, but stringently lived by few.
Of course, we cannot change others. I know that many believe that they can, but they can't. Not to go on a rant, but those dating each other often see traits they don't like about the other. They go on to marry that person anyway thinking that they can "change" them. How false that reasoning has proved to be. We can only work on changing ourselves. So, let's do that.
All of us have traits that need correcting. The work on ourselves begins today! If we find ourselves resenting the accolades of our friend, why don't we stop, take a deep breath, and join in giving our friend more recognition rather than begin a campaign to annihilate them. If a family member struggles, why don't we stretch out our hand to uplift instead of extend our foot to stomp down. If a business partner is better accepted within the community than we, why don't we use their great traits to better the corporation than to threaten it's ruination by tearing apart the organization through opposition based on insecurity.
We know ourselves better than anyone else. May we make every effort to find the disloyal traits inside of our hearts and replace them with a resolution of devotion, scrupulousness, and trustworthiness that characterizes one as loyal.
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