"Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness."--Richard Carlson

Unfortunately, with life comes it's own disappointments. Sometimes we seem to dwell on those more than life's accomplishments and joys. That is the difference between happiness and anguish. Some die within themselves through heartache, depression, and stress. Others accept the things life hands them and move on. Which will you do?

We live in a time of consistant uncertainty. People are losing their jobs, homes, possessions, and families. Just recently I spoke with a gentleman who was a highline real estate agent. He managed and sold multi-million dollar estates. Just recently, he was laid off from his job, lost his home, wife left him, and he had to move in with his parents, cross-country, at age 35. Surprisingly, he was positive in his demeanor. He constantly looked forward as he applied for more jobs and worked to get his personal life in order. Not one time did he reflect on the things lost in his conversation. Truly, that is the correct frame of mind if going through stressful events. Keep your head up and eyes focused forward.

This is important to remember as things fiscally seem as though they will get a lot worse before they improve. The right frame of mind adds to reducing stress. Yes, we cannot let stress into our lives as it has the tendancy to take over. It is like a cancer which will eat you up inside and leave you bare. Wayne Dyer once said: "It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized."

Although the avoidance of stress seems easier said than done, it can be accomplished. One has to accept the things he cannot change, and focus on removing oneself from stressful events and circumstances. Also, when life's events creates changes, learn to reinvent yourself. One of the most respected people in my life was my high school principal, Willarena Williams, who once spoke at a graduation about reinventing oneself. She stated: "Life will bring tribulations. Do not succomb. Reinvent yourself if the way you live has become difficult. Do you think that I dreamed as a child of becoming your principal? Do you think I studied in school and maintained the Deans List to become your principal? Although proud to be your principal, it was not my first choice. I had to reinvent myself." Words to live by, wouldn't you agree?

Again, walk away from exasperating events and allow your mind freeness to create. Stress will immobilize and cripple. Make sure that, even though you might have to get through a change, you keep in mind that it is temporary. Better times will be ahead, although it might be hard to see right now. Keep your head up and eyes focused ahead. Life moves on!
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The Loss Of A Pet

Darkness. Loneliness. Pain. These are three words that, though strong, fail to describe the loss of a pet. To say it is like losing a family member still doesn't seem to sum up the loss. Why do we allow ourselves to get so close to creatures with life spans a percentage of the length of ours? Maybe, because we just can't help ourselves. Anatole France stated: "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." There is truth to that statement. We have a cell, hormone, or trait that draws us close to creatures that we even name and, for some, have birth certificates and clothes. Thus, the loss is deep and pierces the soul.

Sadly, there are few words of comfort. Friends and family may try, but their words come out empty. You may hear words like, "so why don't you get another one." Well, we didn't lose a Chevrolet. What was lost had a personality, feelings, and our heart. Another just does not replace the pain.

Recently, we lost our almost 7 year old male cocker spaniel to H3N8, the doggie flu. Sadly, he passed away young and youthful. One day playing with his tennis ball and chewing my wife's fine Ralph Lauren linen, to the next day laying on the floor lifeless. The loss is not only felt by my wife and I, but by his two older sister cockers. One continues to look for him, while the other stays in her dog bed all day and refuses to eat. Yes, other pets mourn as well. Some breeds can be so close to each other that they actually mourn to death. We pray that doesn't happen with ours. How could we describe that pain?

It is said that time heals all wounds. If that is the case, then the deeper the wound the more time it will take. For those of you who have had to bury your non-homosapien loved one, you know the pain all too well.

DreamSetting

"Every great man who ever dreamed drove a Cadillac." --(General Motors Cadillac Division Commercial Circa 2000) I don't know how true that statement is since Cadillacs have only been around for 120 years. But, I understand what is being said...dreams lead to excellence. How true that is! One must dream before he can achieve. If you dream, the thoughts become fertile in your heart and mind. Of course, we are speaking of conscious dreams. Unconscious dreams, although eventful at times, cannot be controlled. But the conscious mind can explore thoughts that could lead to inventions, plans, and goals.

Have you ever longed for something? Maybe it was a material item. Maybe it was an intimate relationship. Maybe it was a specific secular achievement. Whatever it was, you had the thought come into your mind. Maybe a passing thought at first. Then you thought about it more and more. Pretty soon it was in your mind day and night. It became so real to you that you could taste it. Within certain boundaries, this desire could lead to goals which can help you achieve your dreams. The reasoning behind saying "certain boundaries" is because we do not want a dream so fertile in our mind that it leads to wrongdoing. We don't want to become dreaming theives. That is not dreamsetting, nor is it an enriching goal. We want our desires to lead to worthwhile goals.

When those desires lead to dreams and we begin to set goals, we will call it dreamsetting, make sure that the goals are S.M.A.R.T. S.M.A.R.T is an acronym for Specific Measurable Attainable Result-oriented and Time-bound. Let's take a brief look at each one of the words that make up the acronym. In being specific, one must not have the desire as the goal. For instance, your desire might be to gain riches. Riches is not specific enough to be a goal. Our thought process has to be narrowed. Measurable is important in dreamsetting. It aids us to know how close we are getting to our goal. Without measurement, we may get frustrated and give up along the way. Attainability is extremely important. Some say that nothing is out of reach. Well, not to be negative, some things are beyonjd the realms of reality. In saying this, I'm not speaking of one's lot in life, but the goal may be unattainable. For instance, to wish to run a Fortune 500 corporation without any of the credentials desired for even an entry level position within the corporation would be unattainable. Surely, the point is not lost in the example, and one can see how an unattainable goal would lead to frustration as well. Our goals must be Result-oriented. Every step along the way, we should see results that bring us closer to the realization of our goal. This will avoid our goal from being abstract, but having reality throughout. Finally, our goal should be time-bound. It should not linger on forever, but it should have a specific date of realization. Jim Carrey once wrote himself a $1,000,000 post-dated check. His goal was S.M.A.R.T., and he achieved his goal on the specific date. Now, we might want to make that date firm or it may have leniency based on the goal.

Not to change our point, but surround yourself with supporters. Avoid those in life who are "dreamkillers". Some either wish for you not to succeed or they can't imagine you reaching your goal. They are to be put away from you as they will only stand in the way of progress. The sad reality is that oftentimes the "dreamkillers" are close to you. Actually, they will have to be in order to know your goals and to be able to introduce doubt into your mind. Do not allow anyone to prohibit your achievements. Set your goal and march forward, never looking in any direction except forward.

For you goal to be real to you and for you to measure your progress, be sure to have your goals in writing. A goal is just a passing thought if it is not written. In addition, remember that you can have multiple goals working simultaneously. Just be sure to keep them S.M.A.R.T. Now, let's dreamset and yield success!

I Love You... Really?

As I look at the cuff purchased by my wife, I ponder the words written on it. It reads, "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has no end." Within the parameters of that definition, few have truly experienced love. Surely, we all have had individuals tell us they love us. As a matter of fact, nothing warms the heart more than the three words, "I love you." There is no other word in the English language as powerful as the word love. If you don't believe it, just look in a thesaurus and see if we can replace love with any other word and maintain the same emotion as when "I love you" is said. Let's try it... "I adore you". No, not the same feeling. How about "I cherish you". Not the words to make the heart melt, is it? Only "I love you" can make our pulse rise. We easily accept it when others say those words to us. Oftentimes, we never question their spoken love. We presume upon it and reciprocate. Unfortunately, we frequently find that their love is not patient, is not kind, and has end. Actually, it is safe to say they never loved us.

How does one know for sure if they are truly loved? Love needs to be tested. Not by our constantly questioning those professing their affection. Of course their reply would be, "sure, I love you". Sadly, those words are rarely heartfelt. The true test comes through trials. We all hate to experience trials, but they are necessary to life. Without them, how will we know how far our "loved ones" will extend their "love" for us? Oprah Winfrey once stated, "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." How many of those around you will be there with their bus token in hand?

Interestingly, it is easy to examine the love others have for us. For some, this leads to paranoia, and believing any and all love shown us is for some reason of conspiracy. But, we also have to examine our own love and motives. Let the words on my cuff be our mirror and look at ourselves. Are we kind? Do we demonstrate patience? Will we unnecessarily end relationships? In other words, do we truly love others? It is rewarding if we do. You can give away dollars and cents and become poor, but no one is ever poor by giving love.

As the holidays arrive, this is a time most people think of loving and giving of themselves in gift form. Don't allow one day to fill you with joy. Joyously live by giving love the other 364 days of the year (of course one extra day of love on the leap years). Also, demand those around you to live by the true meaning of love as well. Never allow yourself to comprimise and except half-heartedness from anyone. Allow trials to ensure the love of those surrounding you. When ones show their true colors and possibly break from your fold, it may hurt for the moment, but you are rewarded by having only the best and most loving in your corner.

Yes, readers, we can't control what others say...but, the next time we say "I love you", let's make sure we mean it. "Love wasn't put in your heart to stay. Love isn't love until you give it away."-Jules Renard

Why Fear Change?

Why is it inside of us to fear change? Many avoid it at all cost. Some embrace it in certain ways but are petrified of it in other instances. Is it because change may take us outside of our comfort zone? Truly, we often become complacent and enjoy doing things a specific way or live life beating to the same drum. But if the beat of that drum needs a change in rhythm, will we seize it? Fear of change can cause internal conflict. Maybe we reside in an area not because we are in love with the vicinity, but we are horrified of what change might bring. Possibly, we have changed our thinking, but will not change our actions because we fear ridicule or loss of those around us who think the way we no longer feel. Thus, we begin living a lie. Is that a joyous existence?

Fear of the unknown is the greatest fear. We began to think of the worse that can happen if we allow others to know we have changed. What we think about and reality actually are often two different things. True, change may make you feel you will lose friends or loved ones. Actually true friends will welcome your change. Friends of circumstance will not. What are friends of circumstance? They are acquaintances who exist because you are in similar situations who will not be there once those conditions differ. For instance, maybe you are in the same peer group possibly in school or work. But once you graduate or are no longer employed at the same facility, they are gone with communication ceasing. Maybe you have a circle of friends with your marriage mate, but once the partners change and are no longer married, the friends dissipate. They long for you together, but are not fond of you apart. The question is, are friends of circumstance friends at all? If one cannot be honest with the ones around him or they don't embrace his change of thought and circumstances, those around him are not his true friends. Their dissipation should be encouraged rather than any feeling of loss. Remember, true friends will wrap their arms around your progression and wrap their arms around you any chance they get.

In 1942, Erica Jong wrote: "I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life specifically fear of change and fear of the unknown; and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far." Maybe, we have felt the same way, but have allowed fear to control our actions unlike Erica. This has lead to unhappy individuals in even sadder situations. Fear has led ones to stay in loveless, adulterous, and even abusive marriages. Fear has led some to report to underpaid, under appreciated dead-end jobs. Fear has led even others to give into peer pressure resulting in dire consequences.

Unhealthy fear is distressing and imprisoning, and we should never let it control us. Continue to change and progress into a better human being without fear of acceptance. This is the only way to truly find happiness and experience internal completeness.

How Should We Measure Success?

Lavish automobiles. Ostentatious homes. Elaborate apparel. Lavish jewelry. Multiple sexual partners. Which of these, if any, measures our success? As Americans, we look at others who may possess these things and immediately call the individual successful. If you don't believe, just watch music videos or television shows like "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" or "Cribs". You will see that people will purchase things that they frankly don't need or will never use just to show others their "success". Even the artists who perform most songs heard on the radio today brag about their purchases, sexual conquests, and extravagant lifestyles. Why? Because no one obviously wants to be associated with or even listen to the music of one who might be classed as a "loser." Odd, isn't it, since most musicians historically have been starving artists. Also, how did many of them get so rich, as their lyrics dictate, before they released their first album? Regardless, society today insists that we measure success materially. So these musicians are happy to oblige.

Actually, these lyrics give eye to what could be a rip in the very stitch of the fabric of society. We are so consumed with being successful that it is the only thing we wish to hear about. Even the false pretense of success sang or rhymed to us in song or leased for our eyes on a reality show. In the words of American critic Christopher Lasch, "nothing succeeds like the appearance of success." Obviously, this is a belief of our musical artists. But if this is the case, why are so many of them unhappy? Why do we see them wasting money and abusing drugs for seconds of a smile?

Contrary to popular belief, success should not be measured by one's sexual exploits or material acquisitions. No, success should be measured by the things that bring lasting happiness. Can any amount of money can bring that? "Try not to become a man of success, but rather become a man of value," said Albert Einstein. Values, morals, purpose should be the things that rank first in our hearts and minds. These are the things longstanding. A parent who raises productive members of society who love and give back to their community while caring for the parents who raised them is successful. A person who gives of their education and ability to motivate others by teaching our children through the low paying school system instead of taking self-sufficient, high-paying employment is successful. One who accomplishes much and gains materially, but turns around and aids their fellowman through phylanthropy is successful. All of these things bring lasting satisfaction and pure happiness with none of the temporary contentment that self-amassment will bring. The old adage is true that money cannot bring happiness. It can only rent it for a while. And, rented happiness is not success.

In our lifetime, we may make a lot of money or we may struggle monetarily. But, if we find ourselves investing what we have in our children, and doing the things that makes it easy for us to look at our own reflection in the mirror, we will find success. With that in mind, may we all aspire to be successful!

"Life Is Partly What We Make It, And Partly What It Is Made By The Friends We Choose"--Tennessee Williams

What is a friend? This is a question I asked many before writing this blog. I got varied answers. One person stated that a friend is one who will give his life for you. Another said that a friend looks past your faults and loves you regardless. Yet someone declared that a friend is there to guide and protect another. All of these statements made me realize that obviously a friend is something needed, but we all would agree that there are not enough of in the world.

The pure definition of a friend is one who is attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. In other words, a friend is one you know, like, and trust. Truly, we can like someone but do we accurately know them? Thus, can we trust them? Assuredly, we all have had a lot of ones that we considered friends, but they proved themselves contrarily. Oddly, is there any other characteristic of an individual that if a person is not complete, than they are the opposite. Think about it, if one is not your friend because of proven actions, than he becomes your enemy. There is no betweenness. No such thing as a frienenemy or an enefriend. They are either friend or foe.

The problem is that some very close to us are pretenders to friendship. They exist to bring subsequent heartbreak. But is that entirely their fault? True some people are insincere in their motives. Some will hurt others simply because they are not friends to themselves. And, most definitely, if one does not love himself, he cannot love someone else. But, on the opposite side of the spectrum, maybe we use the term "friend" too loosely, and we labeled them as a "friend" before we fully got to know of all of their traits. We have to have a period of trials of trust before we can call one a friend in the truest sense. Trials of trust? Yes, we give a little of ourselves and then they give a little of themselves. Maybe we tell them something personal, and depending upon how they handle that, we tell them more. As trust is developed, we may give them several more tidbits. Pretty soon they may be privy to bountiful amounts of information about us, and we about them. This person becomes our confidant, our adviser, our companion, our friend. Obviously, more time should be spent at the onset during the trials of trust. If more time is spent at this phase, we might be able to find out that someone is not going to be there for us in the more difficult times.

Too often we like a person for whatever reason and way too soon begin an instant friendship. We hurriedly skip all of the steps of the trials of trust and move them from stranger to friend in the blink of an eye. Maybe they had a similar background, maybe they are charismatic, or maybe they think along the same lines we do. But, there is no such thing as friend at first sight. What we then have is someone knowing too much who will eventually use that knowledge to do us harm. Then they become the type of friend Oscar Wilde was speaking of when he said “a friend is one who will stab you in the front”.

In contrast, some have good intentions in a relationship. Maybe it begins with one being sincere, but we expect more out of a person than they can give. We have to accept their faults and hope that they accept ours. Bernard Meltzer said “a true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.” We must be good friends ourselves and become accepting of others. Maybe we know our friend has a selfish trait. Well, we have to accept that and not cut him off from our bosom at the next sign of selfishness. Possibly, our friend suffers with listening. The next time we begin to tell her about our boss' actions at the office that bothers us to no end, and she immediately cuts us off to tell us about a new song she heard on the radio or this brand new blouse she saw at Macy's, it might not be time to send her to the no-friend zone. She is just not centered. Possibly our friend is not to the same place in the relationship as we are. If this is the case, we should explain our concerns to our friend and allow them time to ameliorate.


True enough, a friend might be one we know, like, and trust, but that does not make him perfect. Expect mistakes and missteps. But, be sure that before you give someone your heart and name him your friend, he is worthy of bearing the name.